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Monday, May 27th, 2002
1:34 am - hurray... sorta
I found my Henna! I'm terribly excited! On my birthday (March 25) I found an old letter from her. I mailed a letter to that address, but she had moved. Somehow my letter reached her at her new address. I got her letter last week. She is just as I remember, but I suspect I am very different. Oh well, we are writing again. Happy, happy, joy, joy for me!

My latest aspiration is to be a skanky rich girl. I think I could do that. I wish I had a billion dollars so I could live off the interest. I just finished watching The Pillow Book on IFC for about the 10th time. So now I also am feeling very into writing. I would love to have a highly literate boyfriend. I wonder where I might find ont of those.

I've decided to go back to being Satanist. Quakerism was nice, but I have to admit to myself that it was like a coat I wore, not the real me. Speaking of real me, my weight is back under control. I've shed 10lbs and have started to take better care of myself. Why, I even shaved almost my entire body!

I've had a horrible few months in the time since I last updated. I nearly lost my job and I may be in danger of nearly losing it again. I've decided to not worry about it. I will go back to telemarketing if I lose my job at the clinic. That same day I will go get a telemarketing job!

I have alcohol in my house now. Long story; the gist is I was craving Guinness (which I had never had before) and have poor impulse control. But really, I don't need an excuse because I'm a skanky rich girl.

My breasts are still different sizes and I still have my menstrual problems, but I've given up. Since my wallet was lost and I had to replace everything, I still don't have an insurance card. Poor follow-through; I requested it once and it never came. Now it will take me another 6 months to get it requested again. I don't feel well, but no one cares so I've decided to not waste my breath moaning about it.

I have such poor posture; I will be a stooped old woman.

current mood: thoughtful

(2 scratches | I'm itchy)

Tuesday, March 12th, 2002
12:32 am

`B `VjR5% 1Uj1R`C `BiTj
`C6 `C5#6 alE1R`C 5& `N7Y4T
`C5yE5Ì# jYt$ hÍRiR1ÎR`C

current mood: artistic

(3 scratches | I'm itchy)

Monday, March 4th, 2002
4:32 am
Have given up hope on finding Henna; eyes stinging with unshed tears. Have the feeling the information I seek is right in front of my face but being unable to read Finnish I don't see it. My cat just ate a bedbug. Note to self: never let cat kiss me again. Slipping back into fantasy world where everything is perfect now. Good-bye!

current mood: ecstatic

(I'm itchy)

3:12 am
It's 3am and I'm in love with a fictional character. His name's Legolas and he's an Elf. God help me. I'm reading Lord of the Rings now to find out if there's a way for a mere mortal to beg the gods for immortal life so I can be with him through all eternity.

Perhaps I should go out and do stuff on the weekends instead of staying shuttered in the house doing my own little things in my own little world. I'm learning Quenya (High Elven). I really deserve an intervention right about now.

I've also been doing something I never thought I'd do. I've gotten into RPS (real people slash). I just couldn't help it after seeing a pic of Viggo Mortensen and Dominic Monaghan (I think I just spelled that boy's name wrong) greet each other by pressing their tongues together. I've been slutting around an archive for LotR RPS reading fic in pseudo-random order. Y'all know me: I've been reading the NC-17 stuff first. http://tandq.com/LOTR/

I'm dieting on the sly. I don't mention it at work. They think I'm already too slim. I don't believe them because they are all fat bitches. I've spent my weekend dancing to disco mp3s, masturbating, sleeping and alternating between reading fanfic, RPS and the LotR book. I've sustained on tea and the odd bit of solid food when I felt I might vomit up my stomach lining. I hope to slim back down to 120lbs. Then I'll do my measurements and see if I need to take off anymore weight. I think my ass is big and giggly. I want it to be non-existant or as close to that as possible for a brown girl.

I miss my Finnish partner in crime, Henna. I lost her years ago and haven't been able to find her since. I keep meaning to look and look but always forget. Now I remember so bye. Hope I find her!

current mood: thirsty

(1 scratch | I'm itchy)

Sunday, March 3rd, 2002
6:04 pm
Still alive.

current mood: tired

(I'm itchy)

Thursday, February 21st, 2002
11:46 pm
I Am A: True Neutral Elf Bard Druid

True Neutral characters are very rare. They believe that balance is the most important thing, and will not side with any other force. They will do whatever is necessary to preserve that balance, even if it means switching allegiances suddenly.

Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently conccern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.

Primary Class:
Bards are the entertainers. They sing, dance, and play instruments to make other people happy, and, frequently, make money. They also tend to dabble in magic a bit.

Secondary Class:
Druids are a special variety of Cleric who serves the Earth, and can call upon the power in the earth to accomplish their goals. They tend to be somewhat fanatical about defending natural settings.

Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

current mood: thirsty

(I'm itchy)

Tuesday, February 5th, 2002
11:16 am
I went to my doctors appointment yesterday. He is a lazy bastard; he delegated everything that I wanted and needed done to other doctors. I needed a pap smear so he tells me to see a gynecologist because my periods are irregular for the last three cycles and he doesnt do them all the time, but OB/Gyns do. He gave me a name I sort of recognized as a doctor within the medical center campus where I work. Then I tell him that Im depressed and I want Paxil. So he says that since Ive been manic in the past (while taking Nortriptyline) he wants a mental health person to tell him that its okay to give me Paxil. I told him that I didn't trust the mental health people, but he refused to give any other suggestions. All he did was talk to me (in a half-assed condescending tone) and order blood work to check my thyroid, which he thinks is overactive. Hello! I weigh over 20lbs more than I did the last time I had my thyroid checked; I really dont think its *over*active. Shit, I should be so lucky to have an overactive thyroid!

So heres the score:
Im cant go to the OB/Gyn he gave me because that is the second office of one of the doctors I used to work with here in the OB/Gyn department. Me and boundaries, boundaries and me! Thats creepy to go there and have more legs open in stirrups and then come to work and pass that doctor in the halls. Plus I needed my pap smear to be done yesterday (when I wasnt bleeding) because I have no idea when my next period might be. I could have it anywhere between 20 and thirty days from the last period. How the fuck am I supposed to plan for that?!

I dont trust the mental health people. Maybe part of my problem is paranoia, but those people have locked me up, fed me bullshit, lied to me, and abused me. They cant be trusted. Id rather suffer than submit; die than be conquered. Im not calling the mental health people! Id rather, Id rather well, Id rather be fucked and colorful than normal and dull. Whatever theyre selling I dont want it. And I sure as hell aint interested in talking about my feelings.

I spent $15 to find out shit I already know: my thyroid is fine dammit!

I hate the world.

current mood: pissed off

(I'm itchy)

Friday, February 1st, 2002
11:18 am
I went to see Black Hawk Down with a co-worker last night. It was bloody. I dont know why that dumb bitch wanted to see it. Both her and another woman who complain about gratuitous sex went to see a war movie. I mean, BHD has no plot whatsoever. Its just people blowing each other up. And Im so jaded and Quaker that I wasnt at all horrified by the lose of life. After all, we all die sometime and frankly war is supposed to kill people. I liked the cute guys though. But I think the military is populated with idiots because their strategy and MO had major problems and cost lots of people their lives.

I want to be a groupie as my latest obsession. Im positive this was brought on by watching Almost Famous. But I have the feeling that Im just not cut out to be a groupie. Im too practical; Im boring. And I dont suck dick. But I think I could be a muse. Yep, definitely being a muse is my calling. Now to just find somebody to inspire. :)

Im starving myself for some unknown (to me at least) reason. I was dieting anyway, but the last few days my appetite has gone down dramatically. I think Ive just lost my follow-through when it comes to obtaining, preparing, and consuming food. I have a headache and am probably dehydrated. I have a bottle of water Ive been drinking, but so far I dont even feel like going on break to get juice or anything.

I have a doctors appointment on Monday. I need a pap, referral to a breast specialist, and an antidepressant. I have my eye on restarting Paxil. I liked it in the past and never went manic on it. (Side note: My name is Lexa; not Alexis, not Alexa, and certainly not Lexus. Get a fucking clue people!) I feel ridiculous. I was ready to go back on meds last year, but me and follow-through arent exactly best buds.

current mood: sore

(I'm itchy)

Wednesday, January 30th, 2002
3:26 pm

find your queer
as folk personality

current mood: amused

(I'm itchy)

Wednesday, January 23rd, 2002
12:32 pm
I'm still alive, sort of.

current mood: lonely

(I'm itchy)

Saturday, January 12th, 2002
12:48 am

Which Internal Organ are you? Find out at willaston's lounge!

current mood: tired

(I'm itchy)

Wednesday, January 2nd, 2002
5:21 pm
Last night I dreamt that I had a threesome consisting of me, Albert Einstein, and Trip Tucker (a character from Enterprise). Would could this possibly say about my psyche?

current mood: confused

(1 scratch | I'm itchy)

Monday, December 31st, 2001
10:21 am
You're Lt. Malcolm Reed. Your philosophy is that it's better to be safe than sorry. You love your job and are a bit of a perfectionist. When it comes to the opposite sex (or the same sex, depending) you become shy. You get cranky if you don't have something to blow up every once and a while.

Take the Enterprise Quiz!

Brought to you by redanubis.

current mood: impressed

(I'm itchy)

9:52 am
My period is once again early. Last cycle was 3 weeks, just like this current cycle. All cycles for over a year before that were at least 4 weeks long. I think I have cancer. Yep, definitely something not good going on with my insides.

I want to make pony falls. I just finished calling my Catholic friend to see what he's doing today. Seeing if he'd drive me around shopping. But he's got to work a split shift for the bus company. So I'll be all by my lonesome.

I'm thinking about blowing off my sister and using my money to go see Connor Trinneer instead at a Star Trek con. Wouldn't that be exciting! I had a dream last night that I arrived at Gatecon 2002 without a ticket. That's my reminder that I just paid the deposit, but haven't paid for the ticket yet.

Oh, and Malcolm Reed was in a dream of mine the other day. I'm soooo crushing on a fictional character. ;)

current mood: sick

(I'm itchy)

Friday, December 28th, 2001
11:59 am - update
Quaker still. Sleeping some. Loving Enterprise. Avoiding family. Sleeping lots, actually. Writing some fantastic poetry. Dieting. Having ok orgasms. The end.

current mood: rushed

(I'm itchy)

Monday, December 3rd, 2001
9:04 pm - ramblings
My nurse thinks I made my knee mad. It is only somewhat painful, but is feeling tight and doesn't want to bend really. I wore high-heeled boots yesterday so that's probably what did it. I'm supposed to elevate it and "take care of it".

I went to meeting (Quaker church) yesterday. It was very peaceful. My Catholic friend went with me. It was pretty crowded there and we came in late. I didn't have too much of a problem sitting there for a whole hour. This meeting we had a few people stand up and say stuff. One woman (who I met and talked to after the meeting) got up and told a little about the quilts that were on the walls. She asked people involved in their construction to stand up so they could be talked with after the meeting. Then, after the children had left for First Day School, a man stood and shared the story of one of the quilts. Ten years ago, his daughter was a part of a program they had pairing young Friends with older Friends. She had 2 woman helping her and teaching her. Together they made a quilt and the girl's father bought it for her. He put it aside so she'd have it to remember her special Friends when she got older.

The last person to speak was the saddest. A woman got up and also
talked about the quilts. She said that she had been diagnosed with
cancer several years ago. As part of taking care of her the meeting sent a particular quilt to her as a comfort. She started to cry at this point when she talked about the love and care she felt from having gotten this quilt. This particular quilt was of the meeting house. It wasn't very big but it had the house stitched on it and looked very cozy. She then told us about her soon-to-be-ex-daughter-in-law named Heidi. She said that Heidi had done some things and made some choices that are leading to the break up of her marriage. The speaker wanted us to "hold Heidi in the light" and know that she's still a good person. She was totally crying at this point and I was kinda crying to. I made
a mental note to bring tissue to next meeting.

Then it was over and I talked to the first lady to speak. She gave me her meishi (I think that's the term I'm thinking of) so I could call her if I needed a ride for next meeting. She lives relatively close to me and offered to pick me up after she found out it's 2 buses and 1 hour for me to come to meeting. I still need to put her card info into my planner, though.

That reminds me, I want to get meishi printed for myself. Now that my name change is through it would be a good idea. Then again, maybe I should wait until I reactivate my pager. Then I can just put my pager number on the card. Either that or finally start using my home answering machine again.

I have a collection of jpop again. I had lost all my mp3s when I
reinitialized my computer several weeks ago. I've been dying to hear some of my favorite songs, but they were all wiped out. Two gigabytes of them! So I hunted the internet and found a site with jpop up in RM format. I think I might like that format better because each song only took like 2 minutes to download, so I never even finished listening to the previous song before the next one was on my hard drive ready to go. I got tons of Hamayaki Ayumi and Kuraki Mai, plus a little Utada Hikaru and a few others. That should tide me over until I can get to buy a few CDs on YesAsia.com. Which reminds me, if I have any secret admirers,
I'd like a gift certificate to that website for Christmas. Please,
thank you. :)

I wrote my grandmother a 4-page letter the other day. Aren't I a good grandchild? No, because I spent the letter telling her that the letter she sent me was offensive and gave her a breakdown of my beliefs. I wasn't rude about it but I was honest about my feelings being hurt by some of the stuff she said. I like this Quaker stuff. I wasn't so sure I'd manage since I have pretty deep Satanic roots, but it's fun. Like the letter to my grandmother, I looked at it like a puzzle. I had stuff I needed to say; I needed to express myself. But I needed to do it in
such a way that I'm not a bitch about it. So I sat and thought out
exactly what I was going to write before I put it down. I'm not so much worried about competing anymore in terms of being richer, thinner, and smarter. Instead I seem to be competing in terms of more understanding, nicer, and politer. Oh well, I like to compete and as long as I'm not an elder or weighty Friend, there's little harm in my competing until I outgrow the habit.

I finally replaced my broken down vibrator, Sahara. I... stepped on it. I really need to take better care of my sex toys. This is the second I've lost to unexpected, inappropriate bodily contact. I sat on the first one (the wonderful and legendary Violet) a few too many times and it just fell apart. The new one is the same model as the broken ones. As far as I can tell, they last pretty long as long as you don't step or sit on them. ;) The new one is green and I'm thinking of giving it a rank as part of its name. Maybe something tongue in cheek like General Fuck or Leftenant Bliss. I do so love saying leftenant in place of lieutenant. This new one though, it doesn't seem to be as ruthlessly powerful as either of the last two. I have the feeling I'm going to be
blowing through batteries at a really amazing rate.

current mood: hungry

(I'm itchy)

Sunday, November 18th, 2001
1:20 am - I'm a totally fucked up person
Schizotypal:Very High
Histrionic:Very High
Narcissistic:Very High
Avoidant:Very High

-- Click Here To Take The Test --

current mood: confused

(1 scratch | I'm itchy)

Thursday, November 15th, 2001
9:52 am
I woke up at 7am this morning without the alarm ringing. I got up and peed. How fascinating; the got up part not the pee part. I was worried about my boobs this morning. What if it is cancer? I read in a magazine about a test they can do on your milk ducts to search for cancer cells. I don�t have a lump anywhere so it�s impossible to do a biopsy, so I think maybe I could be a candidate for the milk duct test. I need to go back to the doctor. I�m overdue for my annual and mammogram. I wonder if I�ll need another MRI.

My cat attacked me this morning. I have bite marks on my hip from him sitting on the floor and attacking me from the side of the chair. He seems to be pissed off for some reason. I don�t know why, maybe he just has a hormone imbalance.

My Friend co-worker just brought this down to me:

Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But the manure armed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigating the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

The moral of the story:
Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
And, if you�re warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

In my dream last night, I was hugging on an Enterprise actor named Dominic Keating. http://www.dominickeating.com He�s British (yum). He was mixing a techno song and drinking Mountain Dew while wearing a dark denim jacket. My psyche is a very strange place to be. Oh, but I love it.

current mood: calm

(I'm itchy)

Wednesday, November 14th, 2001
2:13 pm - thinking
I was forced to shut down my computer during lunch so I didnt have much time online. I also had a patient waiting on my floor forever for a taxi. I mean, she was here the whole lunch hour. So I sat, bored out of my fucking mind. Without even room to have a nice steamy sexual fantasy, I read the bible. Ugh, I really need to go back to my Satanic roots.

I just got a call from one of our patients. He needed to reschedule his flu shot because he said they arent allowed to have injections during Ramadan. I didnt know they had that restriction too. I knew there was something about fasting, though. He wanted his wife to come at the same time to get her flu shot instead of coming next week during Ramadan. But I didnt have any open appointments so shell have to come see the doctor next week about her ulcer then come back after Ramadan for the shot. That kind of restriction would suck. Im glad I dont have any like that.

I just have my own little quirks like eggs. I think its perverse to force chickens to lay eggs so people can eat the products. I have been trying to streamline eggs out of my diet. I just faltered though and bought a carton of eggs. They were so cheap and I couldnt find an egg substitute. I just couldnt help myself. So now I feel bad that I consumed eggs (3, I scrambled them) and thereby added to the suffering of chickens somewhere on this planet. See, I think eating animals is okay (hell, eating humans is okay, health issues aside), but forcing them to suffer before you do it isnt. So I eat less meat than lots of people and have been trying to eat animals that are treated well and that treat the environment well.

I wonder about things a lot. Last Sunday at meeting a guy got up and basically said that thinking was evil and people think too much. Well, I *think* hes an idiot. People dont think enough. They just accept whatever theyre told and dont search for the truth to make sure that what theyre told isnt oppressing them. I saw a movie the other day with Jude Law in it (yum). He played a vampire looking for the perfect woman to feed on. Or, more precisely, he was looking for the woman who loved him perfectly. He was sick and needed well, I guess something pure. He was also a medical researcher (yep, he was a daylight vampire) whos interest and expertise was the effects of emotions on the body. He had a collection of gall stones from human patients that he showed to another character. He tried to explain that he wanted to analyze and catalog them because he believed they were emotions crystallized. He had his own collection at home. He would feed on a woman after a lengthy courtship, but they were always woman who didnt love him completely. He would get sicker and their emotions would crystallize in his body into gall stones, which (once they came out, and boy was that a scene) hed collect and label them. Disappointment, Incompetence, Inadequacy.

I think about that when I eat meat or have other animal products. Does an animals last minutes alive change its flesh? Even if treated very humanely throughout life, theres always terror at the end. I dont think animals want to die, theyre always trying to get away when theyre attacked on Animal Planet. And most animals we consume are treated badly their entire lives. What is that doing to them thats passing on to us? Are we doubled over passing crystallized animal emotions? Fear, Misery, Misunderstanding.

More thoughts, less blind acceptance of lies.

current mood: contemplative

(I'm itchy)

9:47 am - ephesians
My co-workers are just amazed by me. Apparently Im a very unusual person. I seem to share all my business, my house being dirty, my celibacy, my goals of teaching my cat to accept teeth brushing. I try to tell them thats not private; its entertainment. But I dont think they really understand. They are so boring and private.

I wrote my Japanese teacher a letter 2 days ago. I cried while writing it. I was (such a geek) so moved. I thanked him for being a good teacher and having such a positive impact on my life. Now I just gotta mail it. I was hyper-aware while writing it of Japanese etiquette and the importance of not being too forward or otherwise scary.

Yesterday one of the nurses gave me a bible. Since my conversion to Quakerism, I guess she thought that I might agree to read it. Well, I read it. I started with Ephesians because thats the only book I could remember. There was a quote I saw online citing some part of Ephesians as why Quakers arent baptized. As least I think thats where the quote came from. I did see the Children of Light part in there. I tell ya, I was wholly pissed off at some of that book. There was bullshit in there saying that men are the head of the household like Christ/God is the head of the church, so you bitches better obey your husbands. Of course there was a message to husbands to take care of their wives and sacrifice themselves for her like Christ did to save the rest of us sorry ass sinners. Well, what if youre not straight? And what happened to people being equal and equally capable of serving in any role? See, that just brings me back to the Mormons. I tried listening to their missionaries, but they were just completely insulting. They told me that I couldnt be part of their clergy ever at all (dont even bother thinking about it) because my soul was built by God (that wonderful invention of man) to only hold enough Holy Ghost for myself and not enough room for extra to share.

I really was not planning on reading anymore, ever, but then I flipped through the bible and found that there was a part that people have been wanting to remove because its adult. Hmmm, I thought, biblical porn? So I read Song of Songs. I had never even heard of this book, people must not want to mention it. My reasoning was that it must be good. :) Well, it definitely wasnt squirm material thats for sure. It was kinda cute and sweet, but not all steamy and scary. Some people can be so juvenile! It wasnt even PG-13 with all that your hair is like a flock of goats, which Ill admit when taken out sounds really strange. Even stranger is that when you read the whole thing through it actually makes sense. Just the Song of Songs, not the whole bible which I truly believe makes no sense absolutely whatsoever.

Im waiting for the nurse who gave me the bible to come in today. Me and her are going to have a little chat about the last little bit of Ephesians.

current mood: moody

(I'm itchy)

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